Super Easy Lemongrass Seitan (Mock Duck)

Seitan is better known as "wheat meat" if you even known what it is. Those who do not have wheat allergies and those who cannot tolerate a lot of soy (men... a lot of soy = man boobs. reference The League Season 2 Episode 11) can enjoy this product as it is very versatile and cheap if you make it yourself. I have not yet mastered the art of seitan, so I use canned mock meat which is sold at Asian Markets. Your choices in the mock meats are: chicken, duck and abalone. It all taste the same so it's more about the look of the "meat" that's important. When you open up the can you may be grossed out, it looks pretty weird, but then again so does that dead carcass you'd usually serve up. You can find Seitan at health food stores and, now and days, some conventional ones. Seitan doesn't have any flavor to it, which is why I go for the canned mock meat. I found my lemongrass at Henry's Marketplace but I did also come across it at Whole Paycheck (err.. Whole Foods) sliced and bottled for a whole lot more. I've been addicted to Asian Markets for the past 6 months so everything... everything in this recipe you can find there. Duh... this is an ASIAN RECIPE!!! This reicpe serves... one and a half. I eat one serving for dinner and the rest for lunch the next day usually adding something else into the mix like another vegetable so i don't feel like i'm eating leftovers... I fucking hate leftovers.

anyhow... let's get cookin'!

Ingredients:

1 can mock duck
1 stalk lemongrass
1 bird's eye chili or a jalapeno
2 T soy sauce (or fish sauce... traditional)
1 squirt Siracha I call it "cock sauce" find a bottle, you'll understand
pinch sugar
pinch salt
3T oil

Open can of mock duck and drain. I like to take a paper towel or two and squeeze some more liquid from the "duck" so that the flavors i add really get soaked in. I take the larger chunks of the wheat meat and slice them crosswise to thin them out a bit and have more surface space for flavours to soak in (like how i put flavours??? yeaaaaa). Toss that into a bowl.

Take your lemongrass and rinse off any white powder on it... just give it a goood rinse. I have no idea what that white shit is.... and i have no idea who's dirty hippy hands were on my produce before I touched it... so wash that shit off. Use a good sharp knife (I was scared to use my ceramic) to cut about an inch off the bottom and peel off the top tough layer or two. Slice very... i mean VERY thin. If you can't slice it thin enough. Use the mince side of a cheese grater. This stuff is very fibrous. Start slicing or grating from the bottom white part up until you get to the green. I use a little of the green Me no care. Toss into bowl

Take you one bird eye chili, trim the top off and chop the fuck out of it... use more if you want use larger slices if you dare. Those are mighty little fuckers and make sure you wash your hands well afterwards before you rub your eyes or use the bathroom. Don't chop bird's eye chilies then touch your junk. If you do tell me, so i can laugh at you. Toss into bowl

add soy (or fish sauce), your pinch of sugar and salt to the bowl. Cover and let marinate for at least 20 minutes... longer if you aren't pressed for time or thought ahead.

If you plan your dinner while you're at work like me then while the mock duck is marinating start your rice. For me it's 1 cup rice, 2 cups water. Boil water, add rice, turn to SIMMER, cover and let cook for 20 minutes. People burn their rice because the heat isn't low enough. Once the rice is done, that should be long enough for the flavors to mingle in.

Heat wok... don't be a pussy, buy one. My DouchBag ex boyfriend, who's concept of home cooking was frozen pasta kits, rancid meat and canned peas had a fucking wok. The one I have was $5. do it. Add a few tablespoons of oil and swirl around the pan. Get it to the point where it's smoking and add mock duck mixture. Saute. Saute is french for "jump" so move that shit around. I like to let mine sit in the pan for a bit while it's hot so i can get some crunchy bits... you'll start to get the hang of you're wok if it's your first time (awwwww.....) with some trial and error. I had some 2 week old asparagus (stored in water... the only way to keep it alive) that i needed to get rid of, so i snapped of the tough bottom chopped it into thirds and threw that in when i had about a minute left. For lunch tomorrow i'm throwing in a handful of spinach before i nuke it.

Serve this over rice, next to rice... whatever. I guess you could serve it with noodles too. hmmm... possibilities are endless.

Just enjoy it cause this sit is fucking good!!!

that's about it. Sorry my only picture is what i'm having for lunch tomorrow. I thought of posting this waaaaaaay after i made and ate dinner.

P.S. where is my Hello Kitty Bento Box for Christmukah?

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Seitan

I've been stuck at home with what i think is Mono for the past two days and had nothing better to do than sleep, go to yoga, internetz and cook. I was going through the fridge and saw that i had some Vital Wheat Gluten and figured i would make some. It's been awhile and as of yet my Seitan does NOT taste like the shit you buy at the store. i'm getting better though. the seitan and my "mono"

seitan is great because it has 23g of protein per 1/4 C and only .5g fat this shit is super versatile and i will post some variations of what to do with this.

BTW... i am not being paid by Bob Mills... their links are super easy and loaed with info. i usually buy mine bulk a Henry's Marketplace

There are shit tons of recipes for seitan. all are different and right. Here's mine:

Makes 4 patties:

1C Vital Wheat Gluten
1/4 C nutritional yeast
3T garlic powder

For chicken seitan
1T tumeric
4T veggie chicken bouillon powder
1T chicken grill seasoning

For beef seitan
couple dashes of liquid smoke (add to liquid)
4T veggie beef bouillon powder
1T beef grill seasoning

2/3 C very cold water
1/3 C soy sauce
1 carrot chopped
1 stalk celery chopped
1/2 onion chopped


Mix dry ingredients and wet ingredients separately.
add wet to dry and mix with a fork until no longer dry. knead for about 5 minutes then cover with wet towel in bowl for about 30 minutes.

while seitan is resting....

to a large stock pot add 8-10 cups of water, all of the chopped veggies and 1 c soy sauce.

once seitan has rested, knead and shape into a ball. and cut into 4. shape as desired. I like to make patties by flattening them either with a rolling pin or with a plate... or with a wine bottle... or with whatever the fuck i have next to me. drop seitan into the pot of cold water so that the seitan won't fall apart while cooking. turn heat to low and simmer for about an hour. Do NOT let the water boil. It will give it a spongy texture. so yeah... you have to watch it basically the whole time. I hate that part.

Carefully remove and drain seitan patties and allow to get to room temperature before putting in fridge. patties can be wrapped and frozen for later use. I like to eat the boiled veggies in the meantime.

seitan can now be sauted, breaded and fried, baked, stewed... whatever you would/could do to any other animal protein. enjoy!

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Leftover Lemony Garlicky Seared Carrots (vegan/vegetarian)

As a side dish to any meal especially BBQ tofu (OMG delish!) and to use the left over carrots and garlic from the Sweet Potato Lentil Curry I present to you Lemony Garlicky Seared Carrots This recipe is so easy and very versatile. Use sesame oil instead of olive and sprinkle with sesame seeds for an Asian kick, use basalmic vinegar instead of lemon juice for a french inspired side dish to a mock meatloaf or lentil loaf.

serves 3-4

Ingredients:

3T Olive Oil

2T EarthBalance or margarine... or butter

7 carrots cut into batons ($.35)

6 cloves garlic sliced($.20)

1/2 lemon ($.10) I'll but them when they're 10/$1 and freeze what i don't use straight away.

salt, preferably Kosher

total cost: $.65. cost per serving: about $.20!!!

Side Note:

ok... you need a really good professional style skillet preferably stainless over non-stick. (Go to TJMaxx if you have one in your area... way cheaper & worth it!) A stainless steel skillet allows you to get your pan hot enough to sear foods where as you cannot with a non-stick pan. Getting a non-stick pan super hot will apparently cause cancer causing fumes to release. IDK. If you do not have a stainless steel a non stick will do fine. Olive oil has a higher smoking point than butter so this combo allows food to get hot enough for searing but not taste burnt because of the butter. You will want some char marks on the carrots but not many.

Method

After you have cut your carrots into batons, liberally salt them and set aside. Get your pan searing hot if you have a stainless steel pan, set on med.high if your pan is non-stick. A drop of water should dance on the hot pan. Add your olive oil and just as it begins to smoke add your EB, margarine or butter. when it becomes bubbly brown add your carrots, then your garlic. Saute the carrots until the butter/oil has been absorbed the pan appears to be dry. Once dry, squeeze lemon juice onto the searing hot pan collecting the seeds in the palm of your hand. Let the excess juice absorb. Turn off heat, serve and enjoy!

Procrastination Sweet Potato Lentil Curry (Vegan)

When I should've been working on this research paper I have due on Friday I decided to make some curry. Curry is usually cheap, fairly easy to make and the sky's the limit when it comes to creativity. Literally, just about anything in your cupboard or fridge can be in curry. If you have nothing in your fridge... going to a farmer's market type grocery store (like Henry's/WildOats) can put you in a position to create a meal for 4 (with leftovers) for under $10! The best thing about these types of markets is that they have a bulk section where you can purchase grains, dried legumes, granolas, herbs and spices. You can buy as much or as little as you like. I like buying in this section when i can because it allows me to always have fresh spices and cut costs when i only need a tablespoon or two. Don't be afraid to be a weirdo like me and bring a tablespoon and quarter cup along. Sometimes the weight doesn't even register (you'll see what i mean when you see how much my curry powder costs). I save costs by also purchasing unwashed spinach. It's not much of a time waster in my opinion. I'll tell you when to start it.

All of the items were purchased from Henry's Market in Escondido, Ca. None of the items were on sale... booooooooo!

Serves 4-6

Ingredients:

2T olive oil

3T curry powder ($.18)

2T veggie chicken stock powder ($.16)

3 carrots chopped ($.15) the whole bag costs $.50 but i only used 3

3 cloves garlic minced ($.10) bunches are 3/$1

1 bunch spinach in strips($1.49) a pre-washed bag costs around $3

1 med onion chopped ($.28)

1 russet potato chopped ($.61)

2 sweet potatoes or yams chopped ($1.29)

1/2 C dried red lentils rinsed ($1.08)

2 tomatoes diced ($.95) I tend to use whatever is cheapest when cooking, this time I used roma

1 can coconut milk ($1.19)

1 C hot water (I prefer to nuke it in the micro for 99 seconds. less energy used)

salt to taste

total spent $8.06 price per serving $2!!!

It is always wise to have "tout mise-en-place" (everything in it's place) I like to have everything chopped, diced and measured out before i start cooking. I also tend to keep out my shopping bag so that I have a place to put all of my scraps and trash.

Preparation:

Fill your sink with cold water. If your spinach bunch is really dirty, cut off the dirtiest part first before dropping it into the water. Agitate the water and allow sand to fall to the bottom. Let rest.

In a cup add hot water to veggie broth powder... you have now made veggie stock! set it aside for later.

In a stock pot i heat my oil on about med-low. Once warm i add my chopped potatoes, yams, carrots, onion and garlic. Add salt and saute till the onion is translucent. About 10 minutes

meanwhile....

gather spinach, drain water from sink, rinse sink add more cold water and put spinach back in the sink. Agitate and let rest.

back to the curry...

Add curry powder to the pot, along with the can of coconut milk and the lentils. add a bit more salt. Cover and allow to simmer for about 40 minutes. Stir occasionally adding the remainder of the stock if the curry becomes too thick.

while that's simmering... back to the spinach

agitate the spinach one last time and remove the stems. The best way to get the spinach leaves into strips is to use the Chiffonade method I stack more than i should an mine are usually messy but you get the point. Set that aside.

Once the lentils in your curry are tender add the spinach ribbons and chopped tomatoes. Stir gently and allow spinach to wilt. Season one last time with salt, if needed and BOOM DONE CURRY!