Too Fricken' Easy 15 minute Veggie Chili

If you're a lot like me and keep a shit ton of staples on hand, then any time you get home need something good, yet easy to make, MAKE THIS!!!

This recipe calls for TVP which i buy from the bulk bins at my health food grocer. This stuff is really cheap and pretty versatile. You can make veggie bacon bits but i mainly use it as a sub for ground round for veggie "neat" loafs or chili. Typical instructions say to "rehydrate it" prior to cooking but i just add some water to this recipe to save on time and to keep it a one dish meal.

Serves 4

Ingredients:

1 can Kidney Beans - not drained (or any bean... black beans are good especially these ones)
1 8oz can tomato sauce ( i guess you could use a 14.5 oz can of canned tomatoes but the 8oz can costs $.33 at my grocer)
1/2 C TVP
1 packet of chili seasonings mix (don't fucking judge me... just buy it) I like the Simply Organic brand and it comes in mild, spicy and vegetarian
1/2C water

Put all ingredients in pan. stir. Turn heat to low. Simmer 15 minutes. Stir every once in awhile. Done.

I serve mine on top a baked potato with cheese and chopped chives or scallions. For a quick "micro baked" potato: take a potato, wash well, poke holes in it, sprinkle salt all over it (not too much though), put in micro 2-3 minutes, turn over, micro another 2-3 minutes. DUNZO!

It's also good on corn chips (my version of frito pie), on corn bread or on an omelet (if you're hungover like i was last Saturday).

This dish freezes well too for even faster dinners

dinner (lunch)in under 10 minutes: Tofu Kale fried rice

Super simple and done in under 10 minutes.

you cook everything in one pan and I only use a cup (or a bowl), a knife, a cutting board, a spatula and a pair of chop sticks. I like this because it's easy to make at night before you go to bed and it's a quick clean up. I buy disposable chopsticks at the 99Ranch market for no cleanup... and because it's fun.

2 cups rice (day old, cold)
2 slices (about 4 oz) Tofu 3/4" diced. (I like firm high protein from TraderJoes for this one)
2 kale leaves. rinsed, stem removed, sliced into a chiffonade (you can sub with 2 handfulls of spinach)
1/2 carrot diced
1 egg (optional) beaten with 1T water
3-4 T oil
2-3 T soy sauce
1 T tandoori powder (or any other asian spice you would use, eg. curry)
1 pinch salt and pepper

i like egg omelet in my fried rice, if you're vegan or don't like egg you can easily opt out. Start with a hot wok (there's that little fucker again... i told you to buy one) and heat up about 1 tablespoon of oil. pour in egg and cook until edges are slightly cooked. start to fold over the cooked egg towards the middle until the entire egg is coked, in a omelet style, slightly undercooked. take out of pan and set aside in the cup you scrambled egg in.

add 1 tablespoon oil and add tofu. stir-fry for a bit then add seasonings until edges are slightly brown, set aside with egg (if using).

add final 2 tablespoons oil and add kale and carrot and stir-fry add salt and pepper and cook until no longer bitter, about 2 minutes. Add rice and toss until rice is coated with oil stir-fry for about 3 minutes, until rice is no longer in clumps. Return tofu and egg omelet into pan and chop up egg with spatula and toss together with rice.

dunzo!

serve with cock sauce or sprinkle with togarashi. I like to garnish with toasted seaweed slices and or vegetarian pork floss for added protein.

Super Easy Lemongrass Seitan (Mock Duck)

Seitan is better known as "wheat meat" if you even known what it is. Those who do not have wheat allergies and those who cannot tolerate a lot of soy (men... a lot of soy = man boobs. reference The League Season 2 Episode 11) can enjoy this product as it is very versatile and cheap if you make it yourself. I have not yet mastered the art of seitan, so I use canned mock meat which is sold at Asian Markets. Your choices in the mock meats are: chicken, duck and abalone. It all taste the same so it's more about the look of the "meat" that's important. When you open up the can you may be grossed out, it looks pretty weird, but then again so does that dead carcass you'd usually serve up. You can find Seitan at health food stores and, now and days, some conventional ones. Seitan doesn't have any flavor to it, which is why I go for the canned mock meat. I found my lemongrass at Henry's Marketplace but I did also come across it at Whole Paycheck (err.. Whole Foods) sliced and bottled for a whole lot more. I've been addicted to Asian Markets for the past 6 months so everything... everything in this recipe you can find there. Duh... this is an ASIAN RECIPE!!! This reicpe serves... one and a half. I eat one serving for dinner and the rest for lunch the next day usually adding something else into the mix like another vegetable so i don't feel like i'm eating leftovers... I fucking hate leftovers.

anyhow... let's get cookin'!

Ingredients:

1 can mock duck
1 stalk lemongrass
1 bird's eye chili or a jalapeno
2 T soy sauce (or fish sauce... traditional)
1 squirt Siracha I call it "cock sauce" find a bottle, you'll understand
pinch sugar
pinch salt
3T oil

Open can of mock duck and drain. I like to take a paper towel or two and squeeze some more liquid from the "duck" so that the flavors i add really get soaked in. I take the larger chunks of the wheat meat and slice them crosswise to thin them out a bit and have more surface space for flavours to soak in (like how i put flavours??? yeaaaaa). Toss that into a bowl.

Take your lemongrass and rinse off any white powder on it... just give it a goood rinse. I have no idea what that white shit is.... and i have no idea who's dirty hippy hands were on my produce before I touched it... so wash that shit off. Use a good sharp knife (I was scared to use my ceramic) to cut about an inch off the bottom and peel off the top tough layer or two. Slice very... i mean VERY thin. If you can't slice it thin enough. Use the mince side of a cheese grater. This stuff is very fibrous. Start slicing or grating from the bottom white part up until you get to the green. I use a little of the green Me no care. Toss into bowl

Take you one bird eye chili, trim the top off and chop the fuck out of it... use more if you want use larger slices if you dare. Those are mighty little fuckers and make sure you wash your hands well afterwards before you rub your eyes or use the bathroom. Don't chop bird's eye chilies then touch your junk. If you do tell me, so i can laugh at you. Toss into bowl

add soy (or fish sauce), your pinch of sugar and salt to the bowl. Cover and let marinate for at least 20 minutes... longer if you aren't pressed for time or thought ahead.

If you plan your dinner while you're at work like me then while the mock duck is marinating start your rice. For me it's 1 cup rice, 2 cups water. Boil water, add rice, turn to SIMMER, cover and let cook for 20 minutes. People burn their rice because the heat isn't low enough. Once the rice is done, that should be long enough for the flavors to mingle in.

Heat wok... don't be a pussy, buy one. My DouchBag ex boyfriend, who's concept of home cooking was frozen pasta kits, rancid meat and canned peas had a fucking wok. The one I have was $5. do it. Add a few tablespoons of oil and swirl around the pan. Get it to the point where it's smoking and add mock duck mixture. Saute. Saute is french for "jump" so move that shit around. I like to let mine sit in the pan for a bit while it's hot so i can get some crunchy bits... you'll start to get the hang of you're wok if it's your first time (awwwww.....) with some trial and error. I had some 2 week old asparagus (stored in water... the only way to keep it alive) that i needed to get rid of, so i snapped of the tough bottom chopped it into thirds and threw that in when i had about a minute left. For lunch tomorrow i'm throwing in a handful of spinach before i nuke it.

Serve this over rice, next to rice... whatever. I guess you could serve it with noodles too. hmmm... possibilities are endless.

Just enjoy it cause this sit is fucking good!!!

that's about it. Sorry my only picture is what i'm having for lunch tomorrow. I thought of posting this waaaaaaay after i made and ate dinner.

P.S. where is my Hello Kitty Bento Box for Christmukah?

Mobile Blogging from here.

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Seitan

I've been stuck at home with what i think is Mono for the past two days and had nothing better to do than sleep, go to yoga, internetz and cook. I was going through the fridge and saw that i had some Vital Wheat Gluten and figured i would make some. It's been awhile and as of yet my Seitan does NOT taste like the shit you buy at the store. i'm getting better though. the seitan and my "mono"

seitan is great because it has 23g of protein per 1/4 C and only .5g fat this shit is super versatile and i will post some variations of what to do with this.

BTW... i am not being paid by Bob Mills... their links are super easy and loaed with info. i usually buy mine bulk a Henry's Marketplace

There are shit tons of recipes for seitan. all are different and right. Here's mine:

Makes 4 patties:

1C Vital Wheat Gluten
1/4 C nutritional yeast
3T garlic powder

For chicken seitan
1T tumeric
4T veggie chicken bouillon powder
1T chicken grill seasoning

For beef seitan
couple dashes of liquid smoke (add to liquid)
4T veggie beef bouillon powder
1T beef grill seasoning

2/3 C very cold water
1/3 C soy sauce
1 carrot chopped
1 stalk celery chopped
1/2 onion chopped


Mix dry ingredients and wet ingredients separately.
add wet to dry and mix with a fork until no longer dry. knead for about 5 minutes then cover with wet towel in bowl for about 30 minutes.

while seitan is resting....

to a large stock pot add 8-10 cups of water, all of the chopped veggies and 1 c soy sauce.

once seitan has rested, knead and shape into a ball. and cut into 4. shape as desired. I like to make patties by flattening them either with a rolling pin or with a plate... or with a wine bottle... or with whatever the fuck i have next to me. drop seitan into the pot of cold water so that the seitan won't fall apart while cooking. turn heat to low and simmer for about an hour. Do NOT let the water boil. It will give it a spongy texture. so yeah... you have to watch it basically the whole time. I hate that part.

Carefully remove and drain seitan patties and allow to get to room temperature before putting in fridge. patties can be wrapped and frozen for later use. I like to eat the boiled veggies in the meantime.

seitan can now be sauted, breaded and fried, baked, stewed... whatever you would/could do to any other animal protein. enjoy!

Mobile Blogging from here.

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MaPo Tofu... or at least my version of it

Serves 2

Sauce:
1C veggie, chick'n or dashi broth
2T dark soy
2T light soy
1 tien tsin chili pepper sliced
1 T hoisin sauce
1T sesame oil
1T chili oil

Protein:
3T sesame oil
1/2 block vegan crumbles
1/2 block silken tofu (you can use firm but i love silken)

spices:
5 slices ginger, finely diced
2 gloves garlic finely minced
white pepper

thickener:
1T corn starch
2T cold water

garnish:
2 green onions sliced

METHOD:

in a small saucepan combine all of the ingredients and bring to a boil. reduce stock by about a third, stirring occasionally. set aside

meanwhile...

drain tofu and gently pat to remove excess moisture. Slice tofu lengthwise then across to make cubes. i usually end up with about 12 pieces for a half block

in a large fry pan add 3 T sesame oil and when hot add the vegan crumbles. fry until heated throughout (this will not be long since the crumbles are already cooked) about 2 minutes. Add ginger and garlic and saute until aromatic. Add sauce to the pan and stir gently. Next, add silken tofu very gently as you do not want to break up the tofu too much. Coat tofu with sauce, again, gently. mix cornstarch to 2T cold water mix throughly and add to the pan, once again, stirring gently. once sauce has thickened add white pepper to taste and top with green onions.

Serve atop rice or my favorite... rice noodles.

ENJOY!

Asparagus That I've Served to Kids (Pan Seared Asparagus)

Be it 7 years ago but I on many occasions served this to a 3 year old and she loved it. Asparagus definitely has a "strong" taste that children usually do not like... even if they're not finicky. Asparagus is a powerhouse food (100g = 1/2 of our B9 recommendation, full of folic acid for you knocked up ladies, it's a diuretic and full of fiber for those trying to drop a couple of lbs with only 24 calories per serving... unless i'm making it) Adults love this shit... i do too! Super easy and not that bad for you so enjoy.


1 bunch of asparagus
3-4 T kosher salt (or Sea Salt... but no iodized)
1/2 lemon, seeds removed
2T olive oil
2T butter, EB or margarine

i wash my asparagus and bend them individually to see where they snap which is where the fibrous part is. Discard the bottom half that snaps off. I like mine in about 3 inch long pieces so cut lengthwise to that length or whatever you prefer.

(i'll cut smaller if i'm making a risotto).

Place into a separate container and liberally add kosher salt. I'm not going to kill you if you don't use Kosher

(mainly because i don't know where you live)

but iodized salt sucks and the crunch that the Kosher Salt gives is simply amazing. It's also great for searing meats. Let sit for about 5 minutes.

Meanwhile... heat up your preferably not-non-stick skillet on super high heat. I wanna see smoke off that thing if possible. Add your butter and let brown for literally a millisecond then add your olive oil.

(Olive oil has a higher smoking point than butter allowing you to cook at a higher temp without burning the fat. Brown butter = nutty and yummy, black butter = something i have to throw away.)

Add asparagus and saute till you start to see char marks on the asparagus... about 4 minutes.

(saute is french for jump... so really saute that shit like they do on the cooking shows... use your wrists... not your spatula.)

once the pan is dry and the asparagus has soaked up all of the oil and butter squeeze lemon into the pan. You will see smoke but this is just water vapor... you're searing the asparagus. saute for another 2 minutes and serve.

if you don't like this recipe... you're lame.

Salisbury Tempeh

Babe is watching the Lakers Game at his own place. So I am at home... doin' my own thang. Cooking things that he would NEVER eat.

Salisbury Tempeh (serves 3-4)

Ingredients:

1 8oz Package Whole Grain Tempeh
1/2C water
2T Braggs Aminos
4 cloves garlic sliced or minced or 2T fried garlic (optional)
1-2 drops liquid smoke (optional)
4 T oil

1T oil
8-10 sliced crimini (brown) mushrooms
2C raw spinach (optional)
1/2 sliced brown onion
fresh ground pepper

1 Package Hain vegetarian brown gravy mix
1 C water

Method:

Take the tempeh out of the package and slice lengthwise so that you have two thinner pieces. Cut each slice into 2 squares then into triangles. Heat oil in a large frying on medium heat and add tempeh.

Fry on one side for about 8 minutes moving from time to time. Turn tempeh over and add the 1/2C water, Braggs (you can substitute soy sauce), optional garlic and liquid smoke. cover and simmer for another 8 minutes moving from time to time. If the pan gets dry add about 1/4C of water only at a time. Transfer to bowl and set aside.

While pan is still hot add 1 tablespoon of oil and then add the sliced crimini mushrooms and onion. You can use white mushrooms and onion if you want but the flavors are not as savory and in my opinion not as good. Saute for a couple of minutes then add spinach (sorry, but i put spinach in EVERYTHING. I love it) and saute till spinach has wilted. Add to bowl with the tempeh.

Turn pan down to low and add 1 cup of cold water. Add Hain vegetarian brown gravy mix and cook according to package. Once thickened add the tempeh, spinach and mushrooms and gently heat through.

I serve this dish atop mashed potatoes with broccoli on the side but this can easily be served over rice or egg noodles if you're vegetarian.


My Two Cents:

when you look in my cabinet you'll see all sorts of crazy shit like fried garlic, braggs aminos, vegetarian gravy and liquid smoke. I seriously recommend having stuff like this on hand in your pantry at all times. Stocking up on "basics" like these in addition to vegetarian chicken stock, tandoori powder and steak seasoning make your possibilities endless when it comes to vegan and vegetarian cooking. Nobody eats beans, tofu or tempeh plain... SPICE IT UP!

fried garlic - Ranch 99 market (99 Ranch market... whatever the fuck you call it) Asian markets are the shit. Ever wonder where to buy mock chicken or duck..? Here mother fuckers!

Hain Vegetarian Brown Gravy - I get mine at Henry's Marketplace. I buy at least two if i need to pick up one. they make a "chicken" version too but i don't find it all that often.

Braggs Liquid Aminos - apparently this shit is really good for you. I don't cook with it much but i do like it as a salad dressing with fresh lemon juice and maybe a drop of sesame oil. This is a great alternative to soy sauce if you're gluten free since this is not fermented and does not contain yeast. i dont' know what the fuck is in it... i never read the label.

Liquid smoke - i got this at Henry's. This stuff goes a long way. Literally all you need is a drop or two. I'll post the recipe for Fakin' Bitz which uses this with TVP (Texturized vegetable protein... yet another random vegan item i keep in my pantry)


till then... i'm outta here! time to clean up the kitchen and straighten my hair. This is my last day at the office being 30 (my barfday is Sunday) and i got new jeggins (yes... jeggins) so i gotta look at least remotely decent. plus my hoegaarden is gettin' kinda warm. i'll try to post more but i have adult ADD so.... look! bears!