Too Fricken' Easy 15 minute Veggie Chili

If you're a lot like me and keep a shit ton of staples on hand, then any time you get home need something good, yet easy to make, MAKE THIS!!!

This recipe calls for TVP which i buy from the bulk bins at my health food grocer. This stuff is really cheap and pretty versatile. You can make veggie bacon bits but i mainly use it as a sub for ground round for veggie "neat" loafs or chili. Typical instructions say to "rehydrate it" prior to cooking but i just add some water to this recipe to save on time and to keep it a one dish meal.

Serves 4

Ingredients:

1 can Kidney Beans - not drained (or any bean... black beans are good especially these ones)
1 8oz can tomato sauce ( i guess you could use a 14.5 oz can of canned tomatoes but the 8oz can costs $.33 at my grocer)
1/2 C TVP
1 packet of chili seasonings mix (don't fucking judge me... just buy it) I like the Simply Organic brand and it comes in mild, spicy and vegetarian
1/2C water

Put all ingredients in pan. stir. Turn heat to low. Simmer 15 minutes. Stir every once in awhile. Done.

I serve mine on top a baked potato with cheese and chopped chives or scallions. For a quick "micro baked" potato: take a potato, wash well, poke holes in it, sprinkle salt all over it (not too much though), put in micro 2-3 minutes, turn over, micro another 2-3 minutes. DUNZO!

It's also good on corn chips (my version of frito pie), on corn bread or on an omelet (if you're hungover like i was last Saturday).

This dish freezes well too for even faster dinners

dinner (lunch)in under 10 minutes: Tofu Kale fried rice

Super simple and done in under 10 minutes.

you cook everything in one pan and I only use a cup (or a bowl), a knife, a cutting board, a spatula and a pair of chop sticks. I like this because it's easy to make at night before you go to bed and it's a quick clean up. I buy disposable chopsticks at the 99Ranch market for no cleanup... and because it's fun.

2 cups rice (day old, cold)
2 slices (about 4 oz) Tofu 3/4" diced. (I like firm high protein from TraderJoes for this one)
2 kale leaves. rinsed, stem removed, sliced into a chiffonade (you can sub with 2 handfulls of spinach)
1/2 carrot diced
1 egg (optional) beaten with 1T water
3-4 T oil
2-3 T soy sauce
1 T tandoori powder (or any other asian spice you would use, eg. curry)
1 pinch salt and pepper

i like egg omelet in my fried rice, if you're vegan or don't like egg you can easily opt out. Start with a hot wok (there's that little fucker again... i told you to buy one) and heat up about 1 tablespoon of oil. pour in egg and cook until edges are slightly cooked. start to fold over the cooked egg towards the middle until the entire egg is coked, in a omelet style, slightly undercooked. take out of pan and set aside in the cup you scrambled egg in.

add 1 tablespoon oil and add tofu. stir-fry for a bit then add seasonings until edges are slightly brown, set aside with egg (if using).

add final 2 tablespoons oil and add kale and carrot and stir-fry add salt and pepper and cook until no longer bitter, about 2 minutes. Add rice and toss until rice is coated with oil stir-fry for about 3 minutes, until rice is no longer in clumps. Return tofu and egg omelet into pan and chop up egg with spatula and toss together with rice.

dunzo!

serve with cock sauce or sprinkle with togarashi. I like to garnish with toasted seaweed slices and or vegetarian pork floss for added protein.

Super Easy Lemongrass Seitan (Mock Duck)

Seitan is better known as "wheat meat" if you even known what it is. Those who do not have wheat allergies and those who cannot tolerate a lot of soy (men... a lot of soy = man boobs. reference The League Season 2 Episode 11) can enjoy this product as it is very versatile and cheap if you make it yourself. I have not yet mastered the art of seitan, so I use canned mock meat which is sold at Asian Markets. Your choices in the mock meats are: chicken, duck and abalone. It all taste the same so it's more about the look of the "meat" that's important. When you open up the can you may be grossed out, it looks pretty weird, but then again so does that dead carcass you'd usually serve up. You can find Seitan at health food stores and, now and days, some conventional ones. Seitan doesn't have any flavor to it, which is why I go for the canned mock meat. I found my lemongrass at Henry's Marketplace but I did also come across it at Whole Paycheck (err.. Whole Foods) sliced and bottled for a whole lot more. I've been addicted to Asian Markets for the past 6 months so everything... everything in this recipe you can find there. Duh... this is an ASIAN RECIPE!!! This reicpe serves... one and a half. I eat one serving for dinner and the rest for lunch the next day usually adding something else into the mix like another vegetable so i don't feel like i'm eating leftovers... I fucking hate leftovers.

anyhow... let's get cookin'!

Ingredients:

1 can mock duck
1 stalk lemongrass
1 bird's eye chili or a jalapeno
2 T soy sauce (or fish sauce... traditional)
1 squirt Siracha I call it "cock sauce" find a bottle, you'll understand
pinch sugar
pinch salt
3T oil

Open can of mock duck and drain. I like to take a paper towel or two and squeeze some more liquid from the "duck" so that the flavors i add really get soaked in. I take the larger chunks of the wheat meat and slice them crosswise to thin them out a bit and have more surface space for flavours to soak in (like how i put flavours??? yeaaaaa). Toss that into a bowl.

Take your lemongrass and rinse off any white powder on it... just give it a goood rinse. I have no idea what that white shit is.... and i have no idea who's dirty hippy hands were on my produce before I touched it... so wash that shit off. Use a good sharp knife (I was scared to use my ceramic) to cut about an inch off the bottom and peel off the top tough layer or two. Slice very... i mean VERY thin. If you can't slice it thin enough. Use the mince side of a cheese grater. This stuff is very fibrous. Start slicing or grating from the bottom white part up until you get to the green. I use a little of the green Me no care. Toss into bowl

Take you one bird eye chili, trim the top off and chop the fuck out of it... use more if you want use larger slices if you dare. Those are mighty little fuckers and make sure you wash your hands well afterwards before you rub your eyes or use the bathroom. Don't chop bird's eye chilies then touch your junk. If you do tell me, so i can laugh at you. Toss into bowl

add soy (or fish sauce), your pinch of sugar and salt to the bowl. Cover and let marinate for at least 20 minutes... longer if you aren't pressed for time or thought ahead.

If you plan your dinner while you're at work like me then while the mock duck is marinating start your rice. For me it's 1 cup rice, 2 cups water. Boil water, add rice, turn to SIMMER, cover and let cook for 20 minutes. People burn their rice because the heat isn't low enough. Once the rice is done, that should be long enough for the flavors to mingle in.

Heat wok... don't be a pussy, buy one. My DouchBag ex boyfriend, who's concept of home cooking was frozen pasta kits, rancid meat and canned peas had a fucking wok. The one I have was $5. do it. Add a few tablespoons of oil and swirl around the pan. Get it to the point where it's smoking and add mock duck mixture. Saute. Saute is french for "jump" so move that shit around. I like to let mine sit in the pan for a bit while it's hot so i can get some crunchy bits... you'll start to get the hang of you're wok if it's your first time (awwwww.....) with some trial and error. I had some 2 week old asparagus (stored in water... the only way to keep it alive) that i needed to get rid of, so i snapped of the tough bottom chopped it into thirds and threw that in when i had about a minute left. For lunch tomorrow i'm throwing in a handful of spinach before i nuke it.

Serve this over rice, next to rice... whatever. I guess you could serve it with noodles too. hmmm... possibilities are endless.

Just enjoy it cause this sit is fucking good!!!

that's about it. Sorry my only picture is what i'm having for lunch tomorrow. I thought of posting this waaaaaaay after i made and ate dinner.

P.S. where is my Hello Kitty Bento Box for Christmukah?

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